Not in my treatment – that seems to be going very well. But I’ve definitely lost significant
confidence in myself and the way I look, and will look in the coming weeks and
months.
Mr P. and I went to a wedding this weekend and I met lots of
people that I hadn’t met before. People who may, or may not, have known that I
have cancer but probably didn’t realise that I was wearing a wig.
Now, I’ve already said that I’m not ‘wig confident’. Even
though it is a good wig, I’m not able to move my head completely naturally,
style it in the way I would really like, and I live in permanent fear of it
slipping or someone knocking it off. So
being in a room full of (albeit lovely and friendly) people who with increasingly
drunken exuberance hugged me, kissed me and generally flailed their arms in my
direction on the dance floor, filled me with unmitigated terror!
Obviously with close friends or people who are aware of the
situation I could say ‘please don’t touch my hair or put your arms round my
shoulders’ but with people I’ve only just met that would have been impossible
and churlish.
Consequently, I felt like a massive party pooper in wanting to
keep out of the way of the ‘action’. Anyone who knows me well will know that
this is completely at odds with my natural behaviour. I’m normally right in the thick of it, at the
heart of the chaos – having very likely started it (or egged someone else on!)
I hate feeling like this and subjecting Mr P. to it too. His
natural ebullience is legendary, so I then end up feeling guilty because neither
of us is able to completely relax and be ourselves. But I can’t help it. Rightly or wrongly, so
much of our self-esteem is determined by how we feel about ourselves and our
appearance.
In honesty, I actually feel much more comfortable in just a
scarf or hat because then there’s no pretence. However, knowing that I’ll probably lose my eyebrows
and lovely long eyelashes over the course of the next three treatments also really
upsets me. And yes, I know this is sheer,
shallow vanity but at least I admit it!