|30 June: Naughty and Forty!|
Celebrating with my twin, Clare
The first half of the year had ended positively: a successful implant reconstruction, my 40th birthday celebrations, and new jobs for both me and Mr P. It was all looking rosy.
And then came, July ... I hadn't been able to complete the fertility saving / IVF treatment in April/May but the opportunity arose again and I gave it a go. It was a pretty intensive process, getting scanned and injecting myself three times a day for a week. I had to come off my Tamoxifen and because of my 'severely diminished ovarian function' I was on the maximum dose of hormones.
Anyway, to cut a very long story short, it didn't work; my egg cupboards proved to be pretty bare and the three they did manage to extract were well past their use by date.
Consequently they didn't fertilize. They have offered me the chance to try again, this time injecting directly into the egg, but I really don't see the point because (a) it will cost nearly £5k with very little chance of increased success and (b) Mr P and I split up this week.
So, yes, in the month that I realise that chemotherapy (and age!) has left me pretty much barren, I also now find myself facing a single life again.
Forty is most definitely NOT feeling fabulous!
However, I do accept that you can't keep doing the same things and expecting things to be different; you have to make change for other changes to come.
I'm trying to view it not as an ending but a new beginning ... A chance for two ugly ducklings to spread their wings and transform into swans. I know that's all a bit wanky but something really needed to give.
The last 18 months have been very difficult for both of us with our day-to-day lives becoming completely dominated by my cancer treatment and his unhappy job situation.
It's been relentless with very little room for lightheartedness or fun. That takes its toll and I do think we both need time to refocus on who we are and what we want as individuals. I think it's been so long since either of us truly felt like our former outgoing, fun-loving selves that we have lost sight of our priorities or why we got together at all.
We used to have such good fun together; we'd laugh and laugh ... But when we didn't - my God! - and that's where the damage has been done.
I'm an eternal optimist and so haven't completely given up hope that we might be able to resolve things but for now we must take separate paths.
It feels like a very daunting and lonely journey after everything else that I've been through, but come what may, I feel very fortunate to have had Mr P. in my life
"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" (Dr Seuss)