I'd like to think that, generally speaking, I'm a quite positive person. More of a realist than an optimist but I do try to make the best of things.
But I also have my down days; my introspective, tear-filled, sad days.
Fortunately they’re not very often but they’re there all the same.
Normally though, it’s just Mr P. that sees me like that.
And that’s deliberate. I don’t want people to feel bad for me, or sorry for me,
because I’m really not unique in what I’m experiencing.
However, that doesn’t make it less difficult. As a woman, it’s
very hard to have every aspect of your femininity, and how you view yourself,
taken away. Everything from your short-term cosmetic appearance - your hair,
eyebrows and eyelashes – through to the possible permanent loss of your
breast(s) and fertility.
I’ve deliberately only taken one photo of me without my hair
and that was before I lost my eyebrows and lashes. I know I’ll never forget how
I look but I don’t need or want a photographic reminder. In fact, apart from Mr
P., only my Mum has seen me in a full state of unadorned baldness.
However, that stage is passing. I do now have hair
growing on my head and I’m really hoping that it won’t be long before I can go
wig and scarf free. And not before time! The chemo-induced hot flushes are
doing me in.
Honestly, I would kill for a good night’s sleep right now.
Every night I sleep in one hour bursts, alternately waking up in sweats or
chills as I throw off the duvet or pull it back up in some kind of cruel nocturnal
But through it all, I have never once thought ‘Why me?’
After all, ‘Why not me?’ If 1 in 8 UK women are going to get
hit with breast cancer, then sadly some of us will need to bite that bullet.
And all that it brings ...